Two minds.

I’m in two minds over whether I should delete my previous post. For all of it’s whining, most of the time now that’s not me. I have these blinding moments of self-doubt but they are becoming so much fewer as I get through medicine. And I realised too that when you walk away from a conversation feeling that way, perhaps the others are feeling that way to some degree and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s never to take on another persons negativity as your own. This was most evident in my first grad job – I walked into a very unhappy workplace with little experience of such things and rapidly started bitching with the rest of them, even though initially the stuff they were complaining about didn’t faze me at all. I’m glad I’ve learned that lesson prior to entering the hospital system because that is going to be the mother of alll tests in that regard. Resilience of personality is something I’m still working on. I hate disagreeing with people, I hate proving them wrong, I hate that they feel bad because of it. I’ve at least graduated from silence to diplomacy.

I also realised that yesterdays post was not me at around 3am this morning on my 7th or so trip to the bathroom thanks to a completely inexplicable bout of gastro which had me throwing up all night. Fortunately it stopped a couple of times after my stomach was completely empty – nothing worse than continuous hurling of an empty stomach. This realisation came after I had leaned back against the cold wall, shaking and red faced. I almost laughed. I probably would have if my stomach had let me. Nothing brings you back to reality like how bloody horrible you feel when you have gastro. Really, everything is fine. Everything is fine except I’ve been exhausted by this year and need to take some time and do things really slowly.

Next week however, I would like no illness at all. I think I’ve learned my lesson, even if it did take three weeks.

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